Posted: May 23, 2018 in Writing
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

You are not ready




Yes, friends and Cult Members. The long awaited day of reckoning is upon us.

Today, my second novel has been unleashed upon an unsuspecting planet.

That’s right.

KEGGER is among you.


It’s all right to be afraid. It’d be weird if you weren’t.

What IS KEGGER? KEGGER is a transgressive comedy novel focusing on the worlds of heavy metal, fandom, obsession, and psoriasis.

Yes. I said psoriasis.

If you like weird and funny, slightly gross and bizarre, and things that are so brutal they remove their teeth with the head of a rust-covered tack hammer and replaced the broken nubs with titanium fangs, then KEGGER is for you.

If you like heavy metal or punk or any of their varying sub-genres (maybe not ska-punk, though. Or The Offspring.), then KEGGER is for you.

If you’ve ever been to a concert or play or game or movie and had an encounter with a slovenly, basement-dwelling/possible public masturbator  and wondered: Who the FUCK is this guy? What the fuck does he do when he’s not being an asshole? KEGGER is for you.

If you’ve ever felt like an outcast or a misfit, that you never fit in ever, in any station of your life, then KEGGER is for you.

If you’ve ever paid nine dollars for a pint of piss-warm beer that they put in a plastic cup so you can’t break any faces with it at an outing, then KEGGER is for you.

If you’ve got battle scars from circle pits and/or Walls of Death, then KEGGER is for you.

If your junk drawer is overflowing with concert ticket stubs, then KEGGER is for you.

KEGGER is NOT for any of the following:

  • Incels
  • Trolls
  • The Alt-Right
  • Uber-Religious. Like, going to church twice a day.
  • Mike Pence
  • Karen Pence
  • The Trump family (especially for Eric. That gummy-mouth bastard steals drinks from the In-N-Out Burger. Google it.)
  • People with Vocal Fry
  • People who don’t like anal beads
  • People who like anal beads TOO much
  • Dude-Bros
  • Cryptocurrency Bros.
  • Geoffrey James (Fuck that guy. He knows what he did)
  • Ron Weasley.
  • and, of course, Unwed Teenage Mothers. The scourge of the universe.


IF you want to know where to BUY KEGGER, click here NOW! Please do it. I need cash to fund a series of erotic photographs of Chief Justice Roberts. Tasteful. None of that gaping b-hole stuff.

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